First, you’re welcome! I gathered up all of these little gems for you, which are also all over the www but these were ones I learned first hand. So unless your kid speaks three languages, never stinks, and can bake a quiche, shut up and read on.
Choose Your Battles – some old person said it along time before I did, but I apply it to things like mis-matched clothing, kids who don’t want to wear jackets, and breaking up a sibling tiff before you’re dragged into it. So they look like junior hobos? Who cares? No jacket? Alright, as long as I’m warm it’s all good. Like I want to invite myself into their crap dramas. I’ll
hide wait until I’m actually needed, thanks. The only thing I try to stick to my guns about are safety devices, school, and bedtimes. After 8pm it’s Momma Time, so you best be sleepin’!
Get Good at Marketing – Kids are dumb. We know they are. If they had credit cards and no bedtime they’d own 7 Sham-Wows and a Ron Popeil ShowTime Rotisserie Grill** because they fall for good marketing. Most kids don’t choose to eat raisins or the dribs and drabs from the bottom of the cereal box, but mix in some chocolate chips and call it Super Fun Party Mix and they inhale that shit. Dummies.
Cleaning Up After Them – I’m sure all of the smrt doctor people who raise future doctor kids would say not to, but you know what, if it makes you happy and takes you 1/8 of the time it would take them – DO IT. There are days when my youngest seems like a combination of deaf and ADD so instead of standing over her and telling her 87 times to PUT THE TOYS IN THE TOY BIN I just bend over and do it. And if they make a moderate mess before bed, I definitely don’t mind cleaning it up if it means they get to bed on time. (See above re: Momma Time).
Starve Them – Wait! Don’t actually “starve” them, just take advantage of their hunger. I try to bring veggies as an after school snack. It’s like Survivor, they’re so hungry they’ll eat
rats red peppers. I’ve also started packing less sugary treats in their lunches so they’re only option to quell their pangs are healthy foods. Mwah hahahaha!
Kids Are Jerks – And if you disagree, you’re probably a jerk too. So there. Watch this and tell me you don’t agree now. BTW, Louis c.k. is amaze balls.
Hopefully I’ve just set you on a path to becoming an awesomer parent. Thanks for tuning in. Sorry, no refunds.
**Fine! I’ll admit it, I own a ShowTime Rotisserie Grill. And it works just like Ron said it would. And for that I feel foolish, yet vindicated.